I want people close, then push them away. I feel lonely, yet search for opportunities to be alone. I get mad at others for not reaching out, so I don’t reach out to them. I’m clingy, but I often cancel plans.
How I act in relationships seems childish, and I should probably just stop acting this way, right? But I can’t stop how I feel inside. It’s a disorder, not a decision.
For most of my life, I felt powerless. I didn’t believe I could help myself. I looked for others to fix me.
I once perceived my self-worth by how others treated me. Over time this developed into a core belief: I was lesser than others. That is not true.
I likely don’t look crazy, unhealthy, or unstable. My relationships may look solid, but the thoughts and emotions they trigger are incredibly challenging to manage.
Relationships are a significant factor of Borderline Personality Disorder. For me, it isn’t the pattern of unstable relationships; it’s the emotions associated with them.
There is a stigma attached to BPD. We are manipulative, controlling, and crazy. While I am not those things, my disorder can bring out those behaviors. I can present as controlling, but that doesn’t make me controlling. That is part of my disorder, not my self-worth.
I’m confusing in relationships, but that’s only because of how difficult they are for me to manage. I am often just as confused as you are.
Part of me wants to isolate, push everyone out of my life, and leave myself with what I think I deserve, nothing. That is what my disorder wants. There is another part of me, sometimes it’s a tiny part, but this healthy aspect of me knows the importance of relationships. It knows that I thrive because of my support.
I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for my relationships. I am so grateful for the continued support.
I guess all I’ve learned is that having people in your life, no matter how hard, is worth it. You’re worth the love and effort. You are.