I was asked to go on vacation with the family I have babysat for, for the last 4 years or so. It’s a few days away from home and in a different state. The vacation is months away, but because they know me, they asked me way in advance. I felt so honored that they even asked me. Initially, my reaction was disappointment. “That’s something I could never do” is what I told myself. Then I thought to myself- why not?! Who and what is stopping me? The only thing standing in my way is myself.
My illness is a barrier at times, and it does prevent me from living life exactly how I’d like. I do miss out on things, I have had to cancel plans, and I have had to say no solely due to my illness. I gave up my career solely because I knew it would be good for my mental health. I have missed out on life because of it, but when I set small attainable goals for myself, I CAN do difficult things.
In the next few months, I’m going to push and prepare myself. I’m going to start small and work from there. I plan to slowly leave the house more on my own. Quick stops at first, while working up to a whole day or weekend away from home, alone.
Being away from home, and specifically being away from my husband is incredibly difficult for me. BPD makes my attachments strong, so when I’m away I have to relearn how to be independent again. And remind myself that I can be okay alone.
I know I will be anxious. I know I will be uncomfortable. I know my mind will tell me I CANT, but I know I can. I know it won’t be easy, and at points, I will want to give up and go home. But I also know that I will be incredibly proud of my progress and healing.
So, I’m going on the trip. I know that I will have a ton of fun being around people I feel comfortable with and children I adore. I also know how proud and happy I will feel while I’m on vacation. With therapy, support, goals, and increasing my confidence- I CAN DO THIS.