Choose Recovery

I’ve been reflecting on my progress recently. Recognizing how far I’ve come and what I have overcome. A year ago I thought I was in a good place, but seeing where I am now I understand that I continue to grow and flourish in ways I don’t even recognize at the time.


This is recovery.


I can look back on three points of major change. First, when I chose recovery. Second, when I chose myself. And lastly, when I chose fulfillment.


I chose recovery after my second suicide attempt. I was done with the list of medications I could no longer keep track of and had no idea what they were supposed to be doing. I was done with ignoring my therapist’s suggestions, and the skills presented to me. I was done letting my mind win. So, I tried. It may seem simple now, but this shift in mindset was the start of my recovery.


I started listening to my providers and being honest when my medication was not working properly. I began to try the suggestions and skills, even when I thought they were worthless. I tried my best to create a lifestyle that supported recovery and let things go that were detrimental to my health.


After this initial change, things did get better. Slowly and just a little, but it got better.
The second major change occurred when I left graduate school. I realized I had put other’s needs before my own, and I was working myself to the bone. I began to understand that I couldn’t manage my health and the career I had planned for myself. At the time, it felt like a failure, but now I recognize my strength and how important it was for me to choose myself.


The last major point of change occurred more recently. I looked at my life and I recognized what fulfilled me. It wasn’t the work I was currently doing, and it wasn’t how I was spending my free time. So, I made some changes.


Words, activism, supporting nature, and creating are what fulfill me.


I began to read more, write more, create more. I let go of expectations for perfection and really even an end goal. I didn’t understand what I was doing at the time, but I can see how I was choosing my passions.


I want to invest in my passions because my life is worth it. I chose recovery so I could do amazing things, and that’s what I intend on doing.


I feel content, and I think at times, that feeling is more fulfilling than happiness. I have goals for my future and things I want to do. My work fulfills me and inspires me to help others.


Recovery has been worth the blood, sweat, and many many tears. But I wouldn’t change a thing, because if I hadn’t tried to get better, I would not be here today.

New Year, Same Me

Another year has passed, and I’m looking forward to a fresh start. But each year, I’m reminded of how most people view a new year.


Most New Years’ resolutions relate to change. We analyze our life and pick out all the things we don’t like about our lives. There are a couple of issues with this method of growth.


First, a New Year’s resolution tells us that who we are currently, isn’t good enough. To become a better person, we need to change what we don’t like about ourselves. If we do this each year, we will never be accepting ourselves for who we are currently. We will always see what needs to be changed, instead of learning to love who we are.


Secondly, making a positive change in one’s life does not need to occur only once a year. I am all for making positive changes: eating healthier, exercising more, or incorporating healthier habits in our lives. But as we know, most resolutions don’t last. So, if we want to change something, just do it, and don’t wait till a new year to help ourselves. If something is truly important, stick with it and make the change.


This year, I’m going to be the exact same me as I was last year, and the year before, and the year before that. I will continue to be worthy, unique, kind, and strong. I will continue to be honest with myself and my needs. I will keep making positive changes when they arise, and I won’t wait till a new year to change something about my life that I’m unhappy with.


For me, this fresh start of a new year is simply an opportunity to let go of all the negativity and stress that I’ve been holding onto this year. I am not becoming a new or improved version of myself, because I don’t need to. Who I am right now, is more than enough.

Welcoming Change

I’m incredibly stubborn and often fear change. I feel comfortable in a routine and am hesitant to try new things. Yet, welcoming change has only made my life healthier and better suited for me.


I often think about the future, so I’ve had many thoughts about what my life would be like. The thing is, my life is nothing like how I imagined, but I’m also happier than I ever had been or could have imagined.


I used to view change as a failure. Things don’t work, and I try something new, but instead of accepting that it wasn’t the right fit, I told myself I failed. My internal dialogue matters, and how I view changed affects how I view the situation.


My dream job was to be a therapist, but I now understand that allowing myself to do that would likely kill me. Instead, I chose my health and caring for myself. Since then, I’ve tried many things: nannying, dog walking, and blogging on Instagram about my mental health. None of them was a good fit. I quickly got burnt out, and my day to day was not suitable for maintaining my health.


Now I see my dream job as being the best daughter, friend, wife, and someday mother I can be. Because if I don’t put my health first, I cannot fully be present in my relationships.


I still work because it keeps me busy and allows me to somewhat feel like a functioning member of society. I resell clothing that is either donated to me or I have rescued from the thrift store. It may not be what I envisioned for my life, but I see the importance of what I do. Reselling keeps me productive, gets me out of the house, and brings me joy. I feel good about my work because it reduces waste and extends the lifetime of clothing. How I’m currently living fits, so it doesn’t really matter if it’s what I thought id be doing or not.


I wish I’ve reached the point in life where I can readily welcome change, but I understand it’s a lifelong process. Change feels uncomfortable, but what comes from it is often right.